party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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