There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
