Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
