Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He passed out mid-signature
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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