yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
