I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
