So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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