i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
