Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
