I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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