Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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