We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
