I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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