Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
