non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
