Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
