i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
