Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
