Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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