if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
