I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
