My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
