i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I love having hate sex.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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