I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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