She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
