And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
