I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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