I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
