Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
