how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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