Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
