remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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