Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
