I hope mine doesn't look like that
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
