How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
