I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
