Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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