Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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