i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
