I will die if light touches me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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