wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
