don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
