At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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