I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
