Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
