Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
