my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
