I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
