Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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