Hey man sorry I got all grabby
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
