mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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