i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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